How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Sending in my taxes
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.