Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
i wish we could shoplift online
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use