Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Is this a threat?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first