Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Well well well…
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.