Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
i spent way too long on this
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.