[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Just a bush.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
We avoided this particular disaster
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.