my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.