Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Happens to everyone.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.