@timcarvell: Now that it's abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
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@TheToddWilliams: ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock WIFE: A WHAT? ME: Shhh, you'll make him nervous DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
@andlikelaura: BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa...wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU ME: [wakes up] finally BOOGEYMAN: what? ME: let’s do this BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle