@timcarvell: Now that it's abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
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@girl_a_whirl: [Speed dating] Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game? Him:... Me: Next!
@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
@salmarch79: Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her's and copy exactly what she wrote.
@ComedicBust: [First Date] Me: Wanna check out the local garden? Her: That sounds amazing. [arriving at Olive Garden] Me: Damn, it's busier than usual