Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin