@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.
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@youcancallmesim: Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
@withanewname: *beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again *beep TSA: here try again ME: WTF? TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here's your pants.
@carlyken: [interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
@T_Bonezzz: Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway