@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.
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@dumbbeezie: The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
@Adam_Kingsnorth: Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
@meladoodle: Hate it when dudes say "leave something to the imagination!" like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
@BeardSpice: *walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT