Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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KFC hitting the cannibal market
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..