Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Boating season is upon us.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to