If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
The three genders
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*