Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Message from the dog groomers
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face