I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You Might Also Like
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
im all 3
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Just a friendly reminder!
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]