@erikbransteen: Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
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@jus4golf: Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.
@captaincoximus: If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
@Irish_Dinosaur: "you should be more serious, sir. this is arson." "no this is MY son!" *tousles his hair* "ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn"