That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.