@DamienFahey: "Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!" - Realtor headshot photographer
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@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
@DaddyJew: "Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?" "Yes" "Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed"
@swiftenhaal: I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
@bourgeoisalien: 5 years ago when 'House of Cards' started we said, 'That's so scary.' Now Trump is here and we're like, 'hahaha, House of Cards is adorable'