“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
North and South
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
It’s an epidemic…
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?