“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Stop sending me this shit.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon