Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”