Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
normalize having existential bread
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.