My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
😲 WTF? 😆
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period