If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.