Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT