“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.