@capricecrane: Now's a good time to change your facebook name to "Nobody," so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, "Nobody likes this."
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@LazyChank: Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".
@decentbirthday: [before date] friend: make everything about her [date] waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere* me: *to date* this is all your fault
@BlaineKy: I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...
@LittleMissZesty: No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don't be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I've been burping bubbles for days.