@capricecrane: Now's a good time to change your facebook name to "Nobody," so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, "Nobody likes this."
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@iamburtjarvis: ufo crew: why are we hovering? ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs ufo crew: why not land? ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
@RobElliottComic: Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son
@offbeatoliv: Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is "guilt" I pretty much have it in the bag.
@causticbob: I bought a book on eBay called, 'How to scam on eBay'. That was two months ago, and it's not arrived yet.