Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means