150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Not helping
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
LOL
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I already tried new things thanks.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone