NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.