NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Breaking news:
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.