Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A bold strategy
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good