nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
You Might Also Like
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I have many caverns
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY