Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.