NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Thursday
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat