NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
You Might Also Like
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I wish this was real life…
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean