Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
where’s Godzilla when we need him
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’