Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
This a good idea
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.