Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?