Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
For the baby who has everything
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
waiting for halloween be like:
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Fights fire with marshmallows
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.