nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
There’s no “u” in narcissist
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table