Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You Might Also Like
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
an airline just for babies.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”