Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
buying dead houseplants to save time
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow