NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh