“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
You Might Also Like
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
definitely did not do anything wrong
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?