Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The three genders.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God