NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
6: are snakes just neck?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
<- sleeps well with others
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window