NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
What about second breakfast?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store