Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
i smell a pulitzer
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I can’t stop laughing at this