Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?