NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies