Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.